Thanks,
A Troubled User

REPLY: Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING. It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

The first guy says, ‘I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know. ”Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist”

The second guy says, ‘I’m a D.I.N.K.Y., you know… ”Double Income, No Kids Yet. ‘

The third guy says, ‘I’m a R.U.B., you know. ”Rich, Urban, Biker. ‘

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know… ”Double Income, Little Dog Owner.”

They turn to the woman and ask her. ”What are you?”

She replies: ‘I’m a WIFE, you know. ‘Wash, Iron, Fuck and Entertain.”

After a long pause, he grunted and said, “That’s good. I couldn’t take another one of these Maine winters.”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They
swore at Billy Bob and left..

The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday, Buddy”

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Maine.

If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Moosehead Lake is the coldest spot in the nation,you might live in Maine.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Maine

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Maine.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Maine.

If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Maine.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Maine.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Maine.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Maine.

1. “Vacation” means going South past Augusta for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend / wife knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled withsnow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Augusta.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees “a little chilly.”
22. You actually understand these jokes, and you tell them to all your Maine friends.

You gotta love those women from Maine.

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A group of Maine friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. “Wheres Harry?” the others asked.

“Harry had a stroke of some kind. Hes a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

 ”You left Harry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Harry

==============================================

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at University of Maine was overheard saying “when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in “Maine” When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

==============================================

The young Mainer came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Elmer, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot”

 Elmer replied, “Did you see who it was?

 The young fella answered, “I couldnt tell, but I got the license number.”

==============================================

NEWS FLASH – Bethel, Maine—– Maines worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two local Maine college students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Bethel. Bethel search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

==============================================

And my personal favorite:

A Maine State trooper pulled over a pickup on Route 11. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, bout what?.